etanwa:

ravenclaw-starkid-1025:

proudblackconservative:

So today at church we had a talent show and one of the kids did the talent of telling jokes and he set up a joke “what do you call a duck with fangs” and one of the little kids shouted “A FUCK!” and I almost died.

What DO you call a duck with fangs?

Count Quackula

drackir:

weasowl:

20thcenturyvole:

probablybadrpgideas:

If Cthulhu can be summoned by humans who are so far beneath it, why can’t humans be summoned by ants?
The answer is they should be.

Well if a bunch of ants formed a circle in my house I’d certainly notice, try to figure out where they’d all come from, and possibly wreak destruction there.

That’s why knowing and correctly pronouncing the true name is so important to the ritual. Imagine how impossible it would be to not go take a look if the circle of ants started chanting your name.

And they’re like, you can’t leave because we drew a line made of tiny crystals – now you have to do us a favor.

And you’re like, let’s just see where this goes “yup, you got me… what’s the favor?”

and usually the favor is like, “kill this one ant for us” or “give me a pile of sugar” and you’re like… okay? and you do, because why not, it isn’t hard for you and boy is this going to be a fucking story to tell, these fucking ants chanting your name and wanting a spoonful of sugar or whatever.

And SOMEtimes you get asked for things you can’t really do, one of them, she’s like, “I love this ant but she won’t pay any attention to me, make me important to her” and you’re like… um? how? So you just kill every ant in the colony except the two of them, ta-da! problem solved! and the first ant is like *horrified whisper* “what have I done”

This is the best explanation for higher powers I’ve ever really heard.

swarnpert:

ohnotom:

swarnpert:

funeral hearse but with monster truck tires

you mean this?

yeah

flamejado:

thanaam-a:

fit-fandoms:

So I was on the train and this little girl (about 5years old) was sitting across from me, her mother had her headphones in and was ignoring the little girl.
The girl was rambling about random things and started playing i spy with no one.
She then said “I spy with my little eye something that’s green” and I pointed at my shirt that was green.
She smiled and said “I spy something that’s white” and I pointed to my white shoes, she then said the colour red and at first I couldn’t find anything red so I pulled out a red school book from my bag.
This continued for a few turns and then she said brown, I looked around me and in my bag but couldn’t find anything, the girl still expecting me to find something brown started looking around too when the man two rows down pulled out a brown phone case and pointed to it.
The young girl then said blue and another lady pointed to her bracelet, we all silently continued playing until the whole train carriage was playing along, the whole time her mother didn’t even realise.

Wow this is so sad and so heartwarming at the same time

sanerontheinside:

hamster-run-faster:

northernwinedregs:

Hi brain, you obstinate fucker. I drank the clear splashy stuff. I ate the green things. I went under that bright fucker up there. I did the thing with the moving and sweating and whatnot. Now make the happy chemical, you lump of fuck.

did you do the thing with lying unconscious for 8 hours

……… fuck.